Thirty-Five

(Please excuse the typos. I chose to write this without the assistance of AI. The human experience is full of imperfections.)

My birthday is coming up. This will mark five birthdays as a diagnosed with Bipolar One. That first summer after my diagnosis in 2020 was full of immense highs and deep lows of a rapid-cycling spiral. It was also full of adventure. I traveled with a friend to Hilton Head Island for a deeply discounted vacation at a the beautiful Westin Resort and Spa. It was also filled with art. That was the summer I discovered painting horses on a large scale. Creating artworks with expressive brush strokes and bold color choices. That was the summer I discovered my other calling.

You see, up until this point I worked myself to exhaustion repeatedly over years and years. I was self-employed, running my own horse training, lesson and clinic business. I would be up and working 16 hour days and then take up new hobbies and cram it all in a day that it was not designed to fit. Then I would be down. I wouldn't leave the house or my bed for days. I would cry all the way to and from work. I felt so much pressure to be everything to everyone that I completely lost sight of myself and who I was as a person without my career. This was quite a hole to climb out of mentally and emotionally and surviving my 20's undiagnosed Bipolar was a thing in itself. It took years of therapy and months of getting the right medication combination figured out.

So what do I know at 35 that I didn't know at 5, 15, or 25? Well I have learned that perfection is the enemy of progress. I have learned that it's more likely that I'll get in my own way than someone else ruining my plans, dreams or goals. I have learned that one deep breath in a moment of intense emotion can be the difference between a pause and a regret. I have learned that no relationship is perfect. I have learned that people will disappoint me but that I also fall short. I have learned that the little moments are the big moments. I have learned that the journey is far more important the goal. I have learned that you are never greater than your support system. I have learned to talk about the hard things. I have learned to live through the hard things. To survive. One day at a time. Even moment to moment. I have learned that resting and quitting aren't the same thing. And most importantly, I have learned to make peace with myself.

I'm looking forward to this year ahead. My 20's were about survival and so far my 30's have been about growth. I hope this next year can be about rest and recovery from all the surviving and growth I have gone through. I hope this next year is filled with family and friends and fun. With that I am going to cautiously, yet optimistically, step forward into this new season.